


Lion Eagle Snake Badger

by AmaliaIR



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dialogue-Only, F/F, F/M, Funny, Gen, Interhouse Unity, M/M, chat fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:01:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21581917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmaliaIR/pseuds/AmaliaIR
Summary: During an interhouse party Ron and Seamus share their creation for a new game. Dialogue fic.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	Lion Eagle Snake Badger

**Ron** _*drunk off his arse*:_ Everyone listen! Me and Seamus have come up with the BEST new game ever.

 **Seamus** : Yeah!

 **Lavender** : You mean Seamus and I.

 **Hermione** : Oh Merlin, not this again.

 **Parvati** : What?

 **Hermione** : They have been talking about this game all week. I convinced them not to bring it up today because we're all getting along great, but apparently that went out the window.

 **Theo** : Come on, how bad could it be?

 **Harry** : * _sighs_ * I enjoyed these hours without arguing with the other houses. It was nice talking to you all.

 **Ernie** : Don't keep us in suspense anymore!

 **Pansy** : Yeah, spit it out Weasley!

 **Ron** : Okay so it's called Lion, Eagle, Snake, Badger.

 **Hannah** : I already hate it.

 **Daphne** : Oh because badger is last? Grow up.

 **Anthony** : I spend most of my days trying to forget that our mascot's an eagle and not a raven, why must you remind me now?

 **Luna** : Is it like the muggle game? Rock, paper, scissors?

 **Ron** : * _stares at Luna_ * Are you a witch?

* _Everyone groans_ *

 **Ginny** : Here Ron, have another shot.

 **Lisa** : So each animal beats another?

 **Seamus** : Yes!

 **Draco** : * _pushing past the crowd to the middle of the circle_ * Let's hear it then.

 **Hermione** : I really must stress how bad of an idea this is.

 **Dean** : I second it! Let's just play Truth or Dare.

 **Blaise** : I want to hear this Weasley-Finnegan creation. It sounds like a true delight.

 **Zacharias** : Me too.

* _Dean and Hermione fill their cups with wine_ *

 **Ron** : Okay so this is lion * _Makes a claw with his hand*_

 **Seamus** : This is eagle * _Moves hand as a wing_ *

 **Theo** : Let me guess. This is snake * _Makes slithering movement with hand*_

 **Luna** : Smart. Are you a witch too?

 **Theo** : The best. * _winks_ *

 **Justin** : How's badger?

* _Seamus and Ron look at each other_ *

 **Ron** : Uh it was something like….* _Makes random hand movements*_

 **Seamus** : No wait it was… * _Makes weirder hand movements*_

 **Harry** : Oh for fuck's sake. * _Cups his hand face-down*_

 **Seamus and Ron** : Oh yeah!

 **Lavender** : This seems fun! Let's play it. I'll be lion!

 **Padma** : You can't say what you'll be, then the other person will beat you.

 **Lavender** : Oh. But that's silly then, obviously the lion beats everything.

* _Everyone gasps_ *

 **Dean** : And here we go. * _Takes a sip of wine_ *

 **Draco** : This is exactly what I thought would happen if Gryffindors put their two brain cells together to make up a game.

 **Seamus and Ron** : Hey!

 **Harry** : Wait, do you really think Ron and Seamus are the sole owners of Gryffindors' two brain cells?

 **Draco** : * _shrugs_ *

 **Pansy** : Oh please. You think a lion stands a chance against a venomous snake? You're out of your mind.

 **Seamus** : We never said that, Lavender did!

 **Michael** : Okay so in your game, what beats lion?

 **Ron** : Snake, as a matter of fact. We're big enough to admit that.

 **Blaise** : Cute. What beats snake, then?

 **All Hufflepuffs** : Badger, obviously.

 **All Slytherins** : What?!

 **Ernie** : Oh please. It's a well-documented fact that honey badgers eat snakes all the time.

 **Susan** : It's their main prey, actually.

 **Daphne** : That can't be right. Aren't badgers like uglier, earl-less bunnies?

 **Parvati** : * _Stares at Daphne_ * Seriously?

 **Zacharias** : Badgers are vicious predators and could one hundred percent fuck up any snake.

 **Goyle** : Any snake? Are you having a laugh, Smith? What about a Brazilian boa constrictor?

 **Seamus** : Okay, this is stupid because in our game is not the badger that beats snake, it's eagle.

 **Draco** : First badgers, now eagles? Next you'll be telling us _you_ can beat a snake.

 **Seamus** : Well, I do have my wand so…

 **Lisa** : But it makes sense, doesn't it? Eagles can swoop in and grab the snake with its talons.

 **Anthony** : They regularly do, in fact.

 **Blaise** : Can't the snake twist up and bite the stupid bird?

 **Pansy** : I'm pretty sure it can.

 **Luna** : The snake is typically half-dead by the time it's in the air. Eagles' talons are quite sharp. Plus they eat lots of Blibbering Humdingers, which makes them very strong.

* _Hermione downs her entire glass in one gulp_ *

 **Justin** : This is ridiculous. I'm sure badgers eat way more snakes than eagles do.

 **Hannah** : Wait. But then this means that in your game, badger beats eagle?

* _Ron thinks for a moment then nods_ *

 **Michael** : Okay now _that_ is ridiculous. How is a badger ever going to get to the eagle? It can't even jump.

 **Neville** : If an eagle tried to grab it as they do with snakes, the badger could put up quite a fight.

 **Ernie** : Exactly! Neville gets it.

 **Draco** : So… the final piece is that lion beats badger.

 **Harry** : Exactly.

 **Draco** : * _glares at Harry_ * This is the stupidest game I've ever heard of.

 **Harry** : Why are you looking at me? I had nothing to do with it!

 **Draco** : Well you organized this party so…

 **Goyle** : This is bollocks. A poisonous snake could beat all those animals.

 **Padma** : Yes… if they ate it.

 **Goyle** : What?

 **Padma** : "Poisonous" means it kills you if you eat it. What you meant was venomous.

 **Millicent** : * _rolls her eyes_ * Thank you for the biology lesson, Patil.

 **Ginny** : Look, maybe a snake can bite a lion if it gets lucky, and perhaps a slow, just-woken-up badger, but there's no way it can get an eagle.

 **Lisa** : Sure. Eagles, on the other hand, have something none of those other animals have, which is the ability to fly.

 **Theo** : Thanks, we had no idea.

 **Lisa** : I'm just saying, they can swoop in to grab badgers and snakes, and then go and scratch a lion's eyes right out.

 **Ginny** : Oh, please!

 **Harry** : Actually, if they scratch eyes out as well as phoenixes do…

 **Ginny** : Since no Gryffindors are here defending lions I'll just have to come out and say it. Lions are the ones with the best shot at beating all the others.

 **Ron** : That's not the point. The game is supposed to be-

* _Everyone starts arguing loudly*_

 _*Hermione and Dean drink straight from the bottle_ *

 **Neville** : Hey!

* _Everyone keeps arguing_ *

 **Neville** : * _Stands on a chair and whistles loudly_ * Shut it!

* _Everyone is quiet_ *

 **Neville** : This is very easy to solve. We just need to have an impartial judge. One that knows a lot about animals.

 **Luna** : That's sweet Neville, but I don't think I can be fully impartial after having so many drinks.

 **Ginny** : I don't think he meant you, Luna.

 **Blaise** : * _smirks_ * Oh, no he didn't.

 **Hermione and Dean** : Oh fuck no…

**Hagrid's Hut - 2:30 am**

Knock knock.

 **Hagrid** : What the… * _opens the door_ *

* _50 drunk students smile at him while trying to keep quiet*_

 **Neville** : Hey Hagrid. Are you busy?

**Edge of Forbidden Forest 2:35 am**

**Hagrid** : So what beats snake?

 **Theo** : Eagle, apparently.

 **Hagrid** : * _draws a bird on the dirt with a stick, next to the snake and the lion_ * And eagle's beaten by badger and badger's beaten by lion.

 **Seamus** : Exactly.

 **Hannah** : So, what do you think?

 **Hagrid** : * _thinks_ * There's a mistake here somewhere.

 **Draco** : Thank you!

 **Hagrid** : Snake should be beaten by badger.

 **Draco** : What?!

 **Susan** : Told you!

 **Ginny** : You don't want snake beaten by eagle or by badger. Are you saying you think it should be beaten by lion?

 **Draco** : Absolutely no.

 **Ginny** : * _Glares_ * So you think it should be unbeatable…

 **Draco** : I'm glad we're finally coming to terms with the truth.

 **Justin** : Let's move on, then! If snake is beaten by badger, then badger is beaten by eagle, right?

 **Hagrid** : Well… large felines are the ones who tend to hunt badgers, along with wolves and the occasional acromantula.

 **Lavender** : Solved, then!

 **Anthony** : Not solved! If lion beats badger, badger beats snake, and snake beats lion, where does eagle come in?

 **Justin** : You know, the original muggle game only has three weapons…

 **Padma** : We are _not_ leaving eagle out of this!

 **Harry** : We can just switch it up. If we want lion to beat badger and badger to beat snake, we can have snake beat eagle and-

 **Lisa** : Oh so we have truly descended into madness, haven't we?

 **Ginny** : Yes, because if Harry's saying that then an eagle could beat a lion then this is really the worst timeline.

 **Hermione** : Don't be so dramatic.

 **Dean** : Yeah why don't you all let Hagrid be the judge.

 **Hagrid** : No, they're right, it's absolute madness.

* _Dean and Hermione share a look and go into Hagrid's hut*_

 **Seamus** : We ran into this problem when we were coming up with the game and-

 **Millicent** : I hate lions and even I think there's no way an eagle could beat them.

 **Blaise** : Ugh you're siding with the Gryffindors instead of the Ravenclaws? Who are you?

 **Millicent** : At least I haven't been making eyes at certain Gryffindors AND Hufflepuffs all night.

 **Lavender** : Ooh who? Spill!

 **Pansy** : Leave it for girl's night, I'll tell you everything then.

 **Lisa** : Speaking of that, why haven't I ever been invited?

 **Daphne** : Because you said it was the dumbest idea you've ever heard.

 **Theo** : We're getting off topic.

 **Ron** : Thank you. As Seamus was saying, we figured out that-

 **Luna** : Wait, I got it!

* _Ron groans while Seamus pats him on the back_ *

 **Luna** : A lion could beat an eagle, right? Then eagle beats snake, which is also reasonable.

 **Susan** : The only problem with that is that a snake could never beat a badger, is the other way around!

 **Neville** : The _only_ problem? How about the fact that that would mean badger beats lion?

 **Luna** : Maybe if its a cub…

 **Hagrid** : Alright, I figured it out.

* _Everyone looks expectantly_ *

 **Hagrid** : Eagle beats snake, Luna was right about that.

* _Ravenclaws look smug_ *

 **Hagrid** : And snake can only beat lion, there's no way 'round it.

* _Slytherins look pissed_ *

 **Hagrid** : Lion beats badger.

* _Griffyndors look smug_ *

 **Hagrid** : And badger's gonna have to beat eagle. Is not perfect but is the only solution.

 **Michael** : Again, how is a badger ever going to get to the eagle?!

 **Zacharias** : I'll Goddamn yeet the badger myself if I have to, Corner.

 **Terry** : You can't even throw a Quaffle straight.

 **Blaise** : To be fair, Smith can't do anything straight * _winks_ *

 **Lavender** : * _squeals_ *

 **Seamus** : You realize this is exactly the same solution as the one Ron and I originally came up with.

 **Draco** : I don't think it is.

 **Ron** : Yes it is! We've been saying it since the beginning!

 **Pansy** : I'm still not happy with it.

 **Hannah** : Yeah, maybe we can do better.

* _Everyone starts arguing again*_

_*Loud whistling*_

**Hermione** * _slurring words_ *: Listen up you rascals!

 **Millicent** : What the-

 **Dean** * _holding one of Hagrid's bottles_ *: Quiet!

 **Hermione** : You're all a bunch of Blibbering Humdingers!

* _Luna beams_ *

 **Hermione** : All our boyfriends were trying to do was share their stupid little game!

 **Dean** : And you were all arses about it!

 **Hermione** : Who cares who beats who?

 **Lavender** : It's who beats whom.

* _Hermione takes the bottle from Dean_ *

 **Dean** : The point is, even if the game was dumb, our boyfriend made it and care about it!

 **Hermione** : Yeah! And they are not dumb because they realized they had to get with _this_ …

* _Hermione signals at herself and Dean*_

 _*Pansy gags_ *

 **Dean** : But you wouldn't even let them talk! So now it's _their_ time. Everyone shut up and let's hear what they have to say!

 **Hermione** : And Ron… you have a great arse.

_*Ron blushes*_

**Dean** : And Seamus too!

 **Blaise** : Indeed.

* _Everyone looks at Ron and Seamus_.*

 **Ron** : Uhh I think they already said it all.

 **Seamus** : Yeah, we just wanted a fun game where everyone could feel included.

*Everyone's quiet*

 **Draco** : * _sighs_ * Okay, who wants to play me first?

 **Hagrid** : Get out of here before I come to my senses.

 **Neville** : Let's go!

 **Lisa** : Ugh I don't want to climb all the way to Ravenclaw Tower.

 **Ginny** : I hear that.

 **Susan** : It's okay you can stay with us.

 **Theo** : And with us.

 **Draco** : Shut up Theo, what are you doing?

 **Theo** : Being a good mate.

 **Draco** : To what cost?

 **Pansy** : I agree, let's just all stay at Hufflepuff's.

 **Daphne** : You can say it's because you like waking up with the smell of breakfast next door, no one will judge you * _pats Pansy's head*_

* _Walking silently_ *

 **Harry** : Lion, Eagle, Snake, Badger to see who gets to sleep by the fire!

 **Everyone** : Yes!


End file.
